An airplane takes off from an airport. The Captain is Jewish and the First Officer is Chinese. It’s the first time they have flown together and it is obvious they don’t get along. After 30 minutes, the Jewish captain says, “I don’t like Chinese.”
The First Officer replies, “You no like Chinese? Why?” The Captain answers, “You bombed Pearl Harbor. That’s why I don’t like Chinese.”
The First Officers says, “Noooo, noooo. Chinese no bomb Pearl Harbor. The Japanese did, not Chinese.” “The Captain answered, “Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese–it does not matter– they are all alike.”
Another 30 minutes of silence. Finally the First Officer says, “I no like Jews.” The Captain replies, “Why not? Why don’t you like Jews?” The F.O. says, “Jews sink Titanic.”
The Captain tries to correct him. “No, no, the Jews did not sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg.” The F.O. replies, “ Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, no mattah . . . all same.”
Driving to town this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror working her mascara brush! I looked away for a second and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!! It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cellphone away from my other ear which fell into the coffee between my legs and disconnected an important call.
Women drivers!
An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer got bored. He decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said, “Get your treatment for $500. If not cured, get back $1000.” Doctor “Young,” who was positive this old gent didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1000 and have some fun. He went to see Dr. Geezer and this is what happened.
Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all my taste in my mouth. Can you help me?”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops on Dr. Young’s tongue.”
Dr. Young: “Assaghs$#*+! This tastes terrible. It’s gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
Dr. Young got annoyed, but went back after a couple of days, figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I can’t remember anything. Help me doc.”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: “Oh no you don’t, that’s gasoline.”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
Dr. Young, angry at having lost $1000, left in a huff, but came back a few days later for one more chance to stump the old scrooge.
Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak. I can hardly see!”
Dr. Geezer: Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so here’s your $1000 back.
Dr. Young: “But that is only $500!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back. That will be $500 please.”
Hi Keith, Sorry I can’t make it to the dinner at Paul and Vicki’s.
Snail-mail card sent today to you.